


silver clouds with gray lining

by komhmagnus



Series: inspired by 3b [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Episode: s03e11 Lost Souls, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insecure Magnus Bane, Introspection, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Spoilers, Supportive Alec Lightwood, Worried Alec Lightwood, it's like for the future, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 04:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17932628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komhmagnus/pseuds/komhmagnus
Summary: But never in his life has he felt more useless than he has since he returned from Edom. Seeing Alec with an arrow in his chest, unable to help and desperately hoping Catarina arrived in time. Hearing the rush of a portal, Madzie’s cry of “Nana!,” the thrust of his hand without the familiar rush of magic.





	silver clouds with gray lining

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning: this contains spoilers for episode 3x11***
> 
> Title is from The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy
> 
> This is super unedited, so please bare with me lol

Alec can’t breathe, hasn’t been able to breathe since Iris’s portal closed, leaving Izzy and himself alone on the street. The portal folded in on itself and so had his lungs.

_ Magnus _ . It’s the only thing he can think. Magnus had been so insistent he help, and Alec hadn’t wanted to agree--hadn’t wanted to put him at risk like that, especially now--but after everything Magnus was going through, how could Alec ever deny him that? Alec knew how much Magnus needed to feel useful right now. He’d seen the look in Magnus’s eyes while Cat had healed him after his fight with the Owl, and the pang of sadness when Madzie had asked for a nightlight. Not to mention, the  _ desperation _ after he’d trust out his hand to ward off Iris and protect Madzie, but no magic emerged from his fingertips.

Alec had let Magnus join them because he knew Magnus needed to feel useful, even if he couldn’t-- _ wasn’t ready to _ \--say it outloud. And in doing so, he’d put Magnus in danger. 

_ Failed him _ . The thought is another arrow to his chest, an echo louder than the rush of the portal and blood in his ears.

They go back to the Institute because it’s the only thing they can do. They have no way of knowing where Iris had taken Magnus, not without Cat or another warlock to track him. With Cat and Madzie safely out of the country and Lorenzo Rey’s vendetta against his boyfriend, that wasn’t likely to happen.

And now Alec has no idea where Magnus is, if he’s okay, what Iris is doing to him in hopes of getting information.

_ If it wasn’t for me, Clary would still be alive _ , Jace had said before, and Alec understands now, feels that same guilt clawing into his throat and leaving him raw. He says as much to Izzy and feels the sadness in her gaze. The determination to fix it.

“I have a plan,” Izzy tells him. “We need to call Catarina.”

The thought of using Madzie as bait fills him with infinitely more dread. If anything happened to her or Magnus… “Izzy—”

“The Seelie,” she says. “He used the decoy, remember?”

Alec hasn’t even heard the rest of the plan, but he’s nodding.  _ This could work _ .

***

Magnus is dragged through the portal and he feels the last remaining shreds of his dignity left behind on the street with Alexander and Isabelle.

He may not have his magic anymore, but Magnus isn’t a fool. He’d seen the gleam of surprised pleasure in Iris’s eyes when he tried to stop her at the loft to, unsurprisingly, no avail.

_ It’s okay, you’re safe now, Madzie _ , he’d told the little girl after Iris had portalled away. Magnus didn’t know at the time if he was trying to convince Madzie or himself. He still didn’t. He’d said the words as confidently as he could, but the weight of the truth sat heavily on his heart. He couldn’t protect Madzie, save throwing himself in the line of danger to prevent it from reaching her.  _ Useless _ . The word pounds through him with every heartbeat.

Magnus had felt useless before. He’s lived for centuries, it would’ve been impossible  _ not  _ to feel useless, and it was a feeling Magnus  _ hated _ . It was a feeling always reminded him of being a boy, of finding his mother’s body, of being swayed to do terrible things by his father simply because they shared a pair of eyes.

But never in his life has he felt more useless than he has since he returned from Edom. Seeing Alec with an arrow in his chest, unable to help and desperately hoping Catarina arrived in time. Hearing the rush of a portal, Madzie’s cry of “Nana!,” the thrust of his hand without the familiar rush of magic.

And now he’s in a _cage_ , one that never would’ve been a problem if he _still had his magic_. If only Asmodeus could see him now, he thinks bitterly. Oh how his father would _relish_ in his current circumstances, in the complete humiliation that he knows will burn in him until he takes his final breath. He realizes with a painful thud of his heart that he’s not quite sure when that will be. _Is eternity still mine to bear?_ he wonders. If not, does he _care_?

“It’s sad,” Iris taunts, and the humiliation turns to rage.

“I told you,” he says, biting back the angry retort on his tongue. Right now his priority is making sure Madzie is safe, nothing else. At least he can do this. “I don’t know where Madzie is.”

When Iris goes after his memories, Magnus remembers who he is. Maybe he’s a fraction of the man he used to be without his magic, but he’s lived through so much, and at least he can slow her with the _sheer amount_ of people and love and pain that’s always felt more like a burden until now.

She pulls out the spellbook, and all he can think is  _ at least Madzie is safe _ . At least he’ll take Madzie’s whereabouts to his grave. Catarina will keep her safe, he knows, and he knows Alexander would do anything to protect her.

The fire message arrives suddenly, and Magnus is lost. The note is Cat’s handwriting, and he hopes it’s a trick. Logically he knows it is, knows Cat and Alec would never put Madzie in that danger, but his entire world has already been thrown upside down and every other direction imaginable. He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t know what to do.

He wonders if he ever did.

***

“Hey!” Alec calls, firing his arrow as soon as Iris turns, pinning her to the wall.

“I hope you enjoyed your freedom,” Izzy is saying to her, but Alec isn’t listening. All he sees is Magnus.

Magnus, who is pulling himself off the ground, injured but  _ still here _ . Still breathing, still one piece, still ready to lunge at Iris. He stumbles a bit as he stands, legs unsteady as he surges towards her.

Alec’s hand is around his waist before he gets too close or falls, and finally,  _ finally _ , he can breathe again. Magnus’s eyes meet his and he stops trying to get closer to Iris, letting Alec support him. Alec can see the anger in his brown eyes, and something else, something between guilt and humiliation. Alec feels his own anger rising. If anyone should be feeling those things, it’s  _ him _ , not Magnus. Never Magnus.

“I tried to stop her,” Magnus insists, his voice low and out of breath. “I tried.”

“It’s okay,” Alec says because it’s all he can. “It’s okay, we got her.” He meets Magnus’s eyes, tries to reassure him, tries to tell him how  _ relieved _ he is right now, how  _ proud  _ he is of Magnus.

The desperation in his gaze doesn’t fade away into something else, though, and Alec knows Magnus doesn’t believe he’s anything else than a failure right now, which is the furthest thing from the truth.

He looks up and sees Izzy replacing her whip with handcuffs around Iris’s wrists, and knows now isn’t the time. There’s so much to do, between sending Iris back to the Gard and letting Catarina know it’s safe for her and Madzie to return. His gaze returns to Magnus, to the way he’s holding himself and he knows Cat needs to see him, too.

They’ll talk later, when the night has calmed down and everything’s taken care of and Alec can make sure Magnus understands that, magic or not, he will always be extraordinary.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are appreciated 💖  
> Find me on Tumblr and Twitter @banesapothecary!


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